i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
