The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize