Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
