i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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