i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
