Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
