bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
