Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
