Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Someone came in the potted fern
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
