I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
don't judge my taste in strippers
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
