You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
