I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
