How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
