I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
