never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
