You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
