They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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