My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize