I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
