So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
