i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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