there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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