all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
