if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
