didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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