we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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