Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
