im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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