Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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