just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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