How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Randomize
