The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
