this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
