Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
