My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
