her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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