we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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