my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
