theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
