omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize