burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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