I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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