Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
