living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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