she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize