her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
