So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
