If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We left the knife in your bed.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
