Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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