I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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