you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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