I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize