I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
