Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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