You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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