I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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