My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think my moral compass just broke
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