A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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