pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
