found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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