i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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