Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
