Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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