Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
